Patience is our superpower
A brief meditation
Once upon a time, an old monk and his young disciple were walking past a wealthy woman standing next to a large puddle of water and mud. Nobody was available to carry her across the water, so the old monk lifted her up and carried her to the other side. It was quick and quiet. The woman got off, didn't thank the monk, and carried on her way. The monk's disciple was shocked; they kept walking, though, in silence.
Several miles down the road, the young disciple was still fuming. Finally, he could take no more. "That woman was so rude," he began. "You were kind enough to carry her across the the puddle, and she didn't even thank you!"
The old monk replied, "I put that woman down a long time ago. Why are you still carrying her?"
If you're new here: Hi, I'm Raf. You've (in theory) signed up for The Miscellanies, a biweekly newsletter on a variety of themes: love, style, tech, politics, sports, and what it's like to be a man in the 21st century. Thank you for signing up; I appreciate it, and I appreciate you.
I started writing this newsletter to share my struggles and hopes. I want to be honest and vulnerable about what I'm dealing with, because the truth is that we're all a lot more alike than we are different. I've had people reply back, sharing that they appreciate this openness and vulnerability, and honestly: it really means a lot. It's both wild and incredibly gratifying that what I write has resonance for you.
I took the weekend to disconnect; it's a long one, which is good, because I need this. I'm really tired; recovering from this illness is really taking it out of me. I'm a little sad because I'd planned on rolling down to DC to visit, but I need to rest more. What's more, switching off lets me zoom out, step back, and look at what I have instead of what I don't have. I've got a lot of love in my life. It may not be the kind of love that I'm yearning for right now, and that's ok. I'm incredibly fortunate to have friends that care in my life, and I'm thankful for that.
I'm going to share something with you that I wrote a friend this weekend, something that helped me Friday and Saturday, and we'd all do well to remember.
Everything is temporary.
This is all going to go away. Look, stand up. Stand up, and spread your arms horizontally. Let's say that your wingspan represents all of existence. If that's the case, then the entirety of human history represents only half the surface of the tip of your middle finger.
Everything is temporary.
Happiness, joy, sadness, tragedy, victory, and defeat - it's all temporary. We can gnash our teeth and ask, Why me? when things go sideways, but the truth is that this is all temporary. This, too, will pass. If you're reading this, and you're going through some shit just like I am, what I can tell you is that this will end. More to the point: we have been through some shit, you and I.
I needed to remind myself of that this weekend, and I'm reminding you of that. Remember everything you've endured, everything you've withstood -- and yet you remain.
Frank Herbert's Dune is one of the great works of the science-fiction canon. Early on, we learn of the Bene Gesserit, a mystical sisterhood. One of their practices is the Litany against Fear, which goes like this:
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
Same thing goes with pain and anguish. When it has gone, there will be nothing. Only I remain.
Patience is our superpower. And every loss we feel matters, and what matters more is our capacity to remain and to love again.
I love every single one of you. I’m here for you, you’re here for me, and that’s what matters. There’s an old proverb - I think it’s from South Africa, at least that’s where I heard it. If you want to go fast, go alone. We focus on going fast and not letting people hold you back so much - too much, I think - in our quest to do amazing, wonderful things.
And we forget the second half of that proverb: if you want to go far, go together. I would not be the person I am without you, because all of you make me better than I deserve to be. Thank you, and I love you.