The ball is round...
A quick guide to which team to support in the Bundesliga
Der Ball ist rund und das Spiel dauert 90 Minuten. Das ist Tatsache. Alles andere ist reine Theorie.
(The ball is round and the game lasts 90 minutes. That’s fact. Everything else is pure theory.)
— West German national football coach Sepp Herberger in 1954, after winning the World Cup.
Hi. I'm Raf. This is The Miscellanies.
You're reading this for the first time in a couple of weeks because, frankly, I needed a break. We're two months into this quarantine. Things are grim; a lot of states are coming out of quarantine because a tiny minority of people are throwing tantrums, even though deaths are rising everywhere outside New York and every state that's re-opening records a spike in illness and deaths.
On top of this, our quarantine was largely wasted, because it was meant to buy time to ramp up testing and that’s the one thing the federal government refuses to do, because Donald Trump feels it makes him look bad.
Not going to lie: this has me depressed as hell, and alienated as hell. I don't have an answer for this, and it's exhausting as hell thinking about this and talking about this. So I'm not; at least not today. I don’t have it in me, and we all could really use a break.
Anyway: if you want more of this in your inbox, you can subscribe below.
Today, I'm giving you a guide to which team to follow in Germany's Bundesliga. The Bundesliga (and to a lesser degree, AC Milan and Queens Park Rangers) are how I got into soccer as a kid. In the late '80s, my local PBS station - WOSU - used to broadcast Soccer Made in Germany. It ran weekly, and featured hour-long edited highlights of games involving West German teams. The show ran from 1976 until 1988; I found it at its tail end.
You can watch a clip here:
Unlike America, Germany managed their fight against Covid-19 competently, which means that the Bundesliga is the first European soccer league to return to action this year. Games start Saturday, and the marquee game is a rivalry game! If you're a sports fan, feeling deprived, this is a blessing from the gods. But now you're wondering:
Which team should I root for?
That's what I'm here for. I've followed the Bundesliga my whole life. For lots of reasons, I wound up a Bayern Munich fan. This is like being a Yankees fan; Bayern is by far the most successful team in German soccer history. I'm going to assume you don't want to jump on the bandwagon, so we'll not discuss them further.
In addition to Bayern, there’s 17 other teams you can follow in the league. The fun thing about the Bundesliga is that lots of Americans have played in it, and play in it now: Christian Pulisic starred for Borussia Dortmund before getting a big money move to Chelsea, Weston McKennie plays for Schalke, Josh Sargent plays for Werder Bremen, and Tyler Adams plays for RB Leipzig.
Like every other European league, the three teams that finish at the bottom get dropped to the second division (and they’re replaced by the top three teams in that division) — that’s what we call promotion and relegation. There’s an added wrinkle; the team that finishes in 16th place has a two-leg playoff with the second division team that finishes third.
This is what the standings (what fans refer to as “the table”) look like right now:
Each team plays 34 games. As you can see, most teams with the exception of Eintracht Frankfurt and Werder Bremen have played nine games; those two teams have 10 games left.
OK, with all that out of the way…let’s pick a team! The way we’ll do this is I’ll pose a series of questions. Depending on your answers, I’ll point you in the “right” direction.
Is winning more important to you than taking part?
Good question. If the answer to that is yes, then my next question is…do you have to win every year? If the answer to that is yes, then congrats, you’re rooting for Bayern Munich after all. Like I said above, they’re the Yankees to everyone else; an imperious presence that dominates German soccer. They’ve won five European Cups, including three straight in the 1970s.
If the answer to winning every year is no, then ask yourself: do you consider yourself a “traditional” person? If the answer to that is yes, you’re rooting for Borussia Dortmund, the Liverpool to Bayern’s Manchester United.
Dortmund is legendary for their fan culture. They’ve emerged as the main contender to Bayern over the past decade, but they’ve got history of their own: they won the Champions League in 1996-97, beating Juventus to do it, and finished runner-up to (who else?) Bayern in 2012-13. They’ve won the league championship eight times, and finished second another eight times.
If you don’t consider yourself a “traditional person”, your team is RB Leipzig, the hugely controversial team that’s owned by Red Bull and acts as the Manchester City arriviste team in the Bundesliga.
RB Leipzig are controversial because German fans consider them an “artificial” team. Red Bull GmBH, the parent company, took over a small local club in a village about 13 kilometers from Leipzig, SSV Markranstädt, and dissolved it to make way for their new club. The club started out in the Oberliga, the fifth tier of German soccer. German league rules say that a corporate name can’t be included in the club name unless it’s a work team, so the RB in RB Leipzig doesn’t stand for Red Bull, it stands for Rassenball Sport (“lawn ball sport”).
What if I’m not really sure about this “winning” thing?
No worries. One of the fascinating things about German soccer is the fact that some teams (like RB Leipzig) are owned by companies; even more fascinating is that some are the company teams meant for workers of a certain team. These are what we call “work” teams. Think of them as wildly expensive, elite company softball teams, except for soccer.
If you have a work team, or if you play for one: Well, do you like cars? If you do, you’re rooting for Wolfsburg. They have close ties to Volkswagen; they won the league in 2009, and are in seventh place currently. They play a mean defense, so hopefully you like that. Also, their nickname is die Wolfen (“the Wolves”).
If you don’t like cars, then you’re rooting for Bayer Leverkeusen, the work team for Bayer (the company that makes aspirin!). In contrast to Wolfsburg, Leverkeusen have a ton of attacking flair. Head coach Peter Bosz has a young team with sights on a top-four finish this term. They’ve already beaten Bayern Munich, Borussia Dortmund and Schalke this season, and in Kai Havertz they have one of the most gifted young players in world soccer — he’s only 20, and already a key member of the German national team.
If you don’t have a work team: Don’t sweat this. Let me ask you this — are you nostalgic for the ‘70s? Did you like That ‘70s Show? If the answer to that is yes, then you’re rooting for Borussia Mönchengladbach, popularly known as die Fohlen (“the Foals”), and “Gladbach” for short (no one uses the full name). Notorious for playing young players, they like to attack. Gladbach’s heyday came in the 1970s, when they won all five of their league titles and challenged Bayern for league hegemony the way Dortmund is right now. They’ve got a brilliant young coach in Marco Rose, and young players like Marcus Thuram.
Don’t care about the ‘70s? Then you’re rooting for Schalke 04. They were founded by coal miners, and their rivalry with Dortmund (the Revierderby) is one of the fiercest in soccer; it’s right up there with Arsenal-Spurs. It’s the featured game this weekend. Schalke have a hard time scoring this year, but they work wildly hard and are a consistent contender for both the league title and European competition. American Weston McKennie (pictured up top of the newsletter) features for them.
OK, I really don’t care about winning. I just want to have a good time. Is that so wrong?
Not at all! Let me ask you a question: do you like goats?
Yes! OK, you’re rooting for FC Köln, or Cologne. Their nickname is Die Geißböcker (“the Billy Goats”), their mascot is a goat, and the fans are notorious for carnival celebrations. By the way, that “B”-looking letter is actually a double S. The team itself is really hard to beat, but since winning the inaugural Bundesliga title in 1963-64, they’ve only won once since then, in 1978.
I’m not kidding about the goat. That’s Hennes VII below:
Nah, don’t like them. Fine, then let me ask you this — beer or wine?
I love beer! Great, then Fortuna Düsseldorf is your club. Zack Steffen - probably the best young American goalkeeper - plays for them. Unfortunately, he’s injured. Even worse, they’re in the relegation zone. They’re not strangers to that; they were promoted in 2017-18, did OK last season, but they’re suffering from “second season” syndrome. However, manager Uwe Rösler has them playing better since taking over, and they may just avoid relegation altogether; they’re four points from safety with nine games to play.
Wine’s more my thing. In that case, you’re pulling for Mainz 05. Carnival and soccer are the two big things in Mainz; they regularly vie with Cologne in terms of going all out for Carnival the way New Orleans goes all out for Mardi Gras (they’re essentially the same kind of celebration). Mainz is also where both Jurgen Klopp and Thomas Tuchel got their start as managers, so they’re getting a bit of a “cradle of coaches” rep.
On second thought…I’m not that much of a party animal.
All right. Would people consider you a “hipster”? Be honest.
sigh…Yes. That’s OK! Do you like biking to work?
Yes! Well, then, you’re rooting for SC Freiburg. They’re a yo-yo club that’s always flirting with relegation, but you’ve got two things going for you: you’re in the Black Forest, which is gorgeous, and you’ve got a delightfully weird manager in Christian Streich. Yes, he likes biking to work.
If cycling isn’t your jam, don’t despair. You’re a Union Berlin fan! Located in the former East Berlin, Union’s very much a “cult club” — basically, a team with a cult following similar to a band or artistic group. Their fans donated blood in 2004 in order to keep the team afloat, so they literally bled for the team. That’s metal, and so’s their nickname — die Eisernen (“the Iron Ones”). Their stadium, the Stadion An der Alten Försterei (the Stadium at the Old Forester’s House) is just as charming as it sounds: holds 22,000 people, cozy, and it’s mostly terracing — meaning that most folks stand.
What if people don’t think I’m a hipster? Hmmm…well, let me ask you this: are you more financially secure than most of your friends? If the answer’s yes, I guess you’re pulling for TSG Hoffenheim. Hoffenheim were a non-factor in German soccer until local boy-made-good Dietmar Hopp (who made his millions with SAP) poured money into them. Thing is…German soccer fans absolutely hated that, and consider Hoffenheim a “plastic” club. So be aware of that.
That said: they’re fun to watch, they made the Champions League last season, and in the end, do you really care what other people think? Think of rooting for Hoffenheim as like rooting for that random team nobody else roots for.
In fact, if the thought of rooting for Hoffenheim leaves you cold, you can root for SC Paderborn or FC Augsburg; but you’ll be rooting for a team that’s regularly threatened by relegation (and in Paderborn’s case, is getting relegated this season). Augsburg have been mildly successful over the last few years, but let’s be real: this is like when I picked Queens Park Rangers as my favorite English team when I was 14 - they had a cool name and my mom got me their jersey at a Value City sale.
Look, I don’t particularly care about winning; I couldn’t care less about partying, either. What are my choices?
OK, this is…difficult. All right, why don’t we do this?
I’m listening.
Do you like politics? If you’re into MSNBC, if you knew the names of every Democratic presidential candidate, if you’re the kind of person who unironically quotes The West Wing or VEEP or House of Cards, then you’re going to be a Hertha Berlin fan. Hertha is a staid, traditional club; their nickname is die Alte Dame (“the Old Lady”). They’re usually a solid contender, but they’ve had a rough season this year; they lost to city rivals Union in the first-ever top-flight Berlin Derby, and they’re on their fourth coach this season. Bruno Labbadia replaced former USMNT manager Jurgen Klinsmann after the latter resigned when it turned out he didn’t have a current coaching license (yes, professional coaches have to have a license!).
Klinsmann didn’t completely embarrass himself, though. He acquired a few excellent players, notably Krzysztof Piatek who was a scoring machine in Italy for Genoa. The team is talented, so you should be expecting some decent soccer as the season ends.
I’m more of a Wall Street woman, TBH. Don’t really care about politics.
Then you’re going to be an Eintracht Frankfurt fan. Frankfurt’s the financial capital of Germany, and Eintracht is one of the pillars of the league, having played a combined 51 seasons in the top flight. They’ve made some cup runs recently, notably knocking off Bayern Munich in the 2018 DFB Pokal final, and they made the Europa League semifinals last season. Bonus: if you’re the kind of person who likes throwback jerseys, Eintracht have had some doozies. Check this one out:
What if I don’t care about either politics or finance?
Well, then, this gets dicey. I guess you’re supporting Werder Bremen. Werder have a ton of history. They won the Bundesliga four times, most recently in 2004. A founding member of the league in 1963, they have played more Bundesliga matches than any other club — 1,890 as of the last game. They’re struggling this season, and they need to pick it up if they’re going to avoid relegation for only the second time ever. But at least you get to watch Josh Sargent, probably the best American prospect at forward since, IDK, Josh Wolff? Clint Mathis?
I hope that was informative. Listen: I love y’all. I miss seeing so many of you, and being around so many of you. I hope y’all are doing OK, at least as OK as you could be. I’m here if anyone needs anything. Take care of yourselves, and let’s take care of each other.